Ordering a Headstone and Reflecting on Mourning

There are things in life that we never really think about having to do and things which we could never imagine doing. This weekend I had one of those experiences.

My brother and I went to order the headstone for my mom's gravesite. What an odd, sad, and difficult experience. One would expect such a task to be quite challenging, though in reflection, it's also something I'm glad I did. I'm sure my mom would have wanted my opinion on how it looked and being a part of that is just another step towards healing.

I'm glad that task is done and now I need to get through my first birthday without her, May 6. Then in June we'll place the headstone. Since this is the first year of her passing there are many firsts to struggle through.  Every holiday that passes is something that brings memories and sadness. There are many places where I live and that I see often that bring memories of her and somedays I drive past in oblivion and other days they hit me hard.

Speaking of holidays, I just did Yizkor for her for the first time. Where I go to shul right now, during Yizkor, those whose parents are still living leave the shul while the prayer is said. It was a somber experience for me, filled with tears and reflection. In her memory, I decided to  make a donation somewhere she would have liked.  I put a lot of thought into it and donated some money to Project Chicken Soup.  Many years ago, when my brother (may his memory also be blessed) was diagnosed with AIDS, my mom was volunteering for an organization called "Nechama: A Jewish Response to AIDS". I tried to donate money to them and discovered that they turned into Project Chicken Soup. I was so happy to donate to something both Jewish and AIDS related knowing both my mom and brother would approve. I also split what I had intended to donate and put half to the MS Walk in honor of a friend who is walking for his mother who has MS. The whole concept of Tzedakah in honor of a passed loved one is healing and rewarding.

Overall I'm doing pretty well since her passing. The sadness usually comes unexpectedly.  It comes and goes, sometimes quick, sometimes slow. Dealing with death is work; especially when it's the death of a parent or sibling.