Wrestling with Myself
I've been thinking about this post since last night. Tonight, with things not going my way. With the hurt I'm feeling, I thought I might as well try to write it. Not sure where it's going so it may be incomprehensible for all I know. All I know is I don't usually open up on my blog about my own issues and insecurities. But right now, I need to talk, and this is the place I can do it.
Right now I'm struggling in different aspects of my life. I'm still working through all the emotions that come from losing one's parent. I'm dealing with being a teacher who is not fully happy with the quality of work I'm doing. I'm not proud of my lack of patience with my students lately; though they do know how much I care which is good since I haven't lost that. I'm also struggling in my personal life.
Relationships are hard, they're struggles. Sometimes the struggles are minor and easy, sometimes they feel like mountains with sharp ridges to climb over. On one hand I can appreciate a struggle. They help me to look at myself. They help me to become a better person. They even remind me that there are really good times because without the good times, the bad times wouldn't be so difficult. But they only help me if I take what I have, learn, grow, and change.
I love my fiance with all my heart and because I love him so much, I sometimes wonder if I really am as insensitive and oblivious as it sometimes seems. There are times when we both feel connected though lately it seems like I'm totally out of touch. Please know that all I'm sharing is my own perspective about me and my actions and is in no way a comment on my other half; because right now, it's time to look at me.
I can remember when I was an early teen, not liking who I was. It was as if there was a voice inside of me wanting to do good, but the bad side always seemed to come out, or at least that's how it felt. I wasn't a bad kid. I didn't get in real trouble. I also didn't have many friends and always felt alone and like an outsider. People often told me that I was rude and abrupt when I didn't mean to or even realize it. It hurt to know that, but I am glad I had honest people down the road who told it to me like it was. It's not always like that in life.
My life is so very different now. I have a great man in my life, I have friends that care, a community who cares, I have a good relationship with my father and step-mom. Things are good, don't get me wrong. However, I'm still not the good person I want to be. And I'm not ultimately happy right now; which as I type this I cry because it's a horrible feeling to say, "I'm not happy". It hurts. I have bouts of happiness but I'm not overall glowing and that sucks. The last time I was glowing like that was after TG and I first met in person. I came home on cloud 9 and everyone told me I was glowing, happy, looking fulfilled.
I always longed for others to see the love in me. To see the light in me. I always felt misunderstood and as if no matter how I communicated or interacted, I was still always misunderstood. It's a hard way to grow up; thinking nobody got me. And now, I'm 33, and I wonder how much all that really has changed.
These things come up in my relationship. I'll be on a high, feeling wonderfull and warm and fuzzy and mushy, and then something will occur and I'll be sort of put in my place. That's not a bad thing. Sure, sometimes being put in one's place hurts. Sometimes it sucks frankly. However, it's at these lows that perhaps I truly get to look at myself using my partner as a mirror as to who I am or what I am becoming, and who I want to be.
Last night TG and I were talking about some things and it became clear (again) that I can really be out of touch and selfish. Gosh! I hate sitting here and admitting that I have a selfish streak. It's not a childish "give me the bigger slice of cake" selfishness. It's more of a being totally oblivious to what my partner is dealing with or going through. It's not knowing how to be supportive. It's not knowing how to comfort him in his times of stress. It's not knowing how to speak. I could sit here and say, "well, maybe we're just so different that it doesn't click" or "we live so far, we feel closer than reality because we don't interact daily". But I'm NOT willing to do that, no matter how easy excuses really are.
You see, the thing is, no matter how much it pains me, I DO want and desire to be better in many ways. I want to be a woman who is desired because of my heart and my soul. Last night some things were made clear. And they weren't just pointed out but I was given suggestions or thoughts on what my partner felt might help me in my own life.
He has been taking on Judaism and prayer and being a better person in a serious way. I haven't. Oh, I have taken on new things. I do read often. I ask questions, and I constantly reflect on what I want to DO. And of course I'm a good person. I could list lots of good things I do and am doing, but that's not the point. Am I all around good? No way. The problem? I am not DOING much. At least I'm not taking on new things that might help me feel more grounded and at peace.
TG has found a connection with prayer and with G-d. He said something last night which is what triggered me to blog this. He was saying how I say I want to do things but then I make excuses, approach things as if they were a task, and don't get started. This is true in many cases. And of course I have excuses ( I need to get my head around it, I wake up too early to pray in the morning, it's too hard alone, I don't feel anything). And you know what, all those excuses are valid...but they aren't what I want. Oh wait, I got off track...
The point is, he said something to the effect of: "You're going to change, I'm going to change". We were discussing relationships and communication. And it's so true. He's changed so much, in so many good ways. I respect him. I like him. I find him intriguing. And we both will change as we grow more into Judaism and as we both take on the things that we want to embrace and fill our lives with as a couple. But first, I have to make a move. And it scares the shit out of me.
Change is hard. It's scary. It's challenging. Change means hitting many roadblocks, falling into old ways. Change means other's seeing us differently. Change means work. Sure, change is good and to be honest, I look forward to seeing us both grow and change, together, not as a couple, but into a couple. (does that make sense?)
Every good essay has a conclusion, and yet, I don't have one. I just needed to ramble and get some fears and thoughts down. Life is ever changing and this past year, heck the past 4 months have been a roller coaster of super highs and really lows. No wonder I feel crazy and as if my head is in a constant state of vertigo.
(P.S. Thanks for listening)
(P.S.S. Feel free to share your thoughts, but be gentle)
(P.S.S.S. Amishav: still jealous? Like I said, single or not, we have our struggles and working on self is always a challenge)
posted by Tamara @ 6:29 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
Tamara, recognizing your own weaknesses is a *huge* start. And the fact that the two of you are talking about these issues is hugely important, too. Don't try to "fix" everything all at once -- don't say you're going to start davenig 3x/day and keeping Shabbat and doing text study twice a week all at once. Start slowly, and add new things as you feel you're ready for a new challenge. The first step might just be setting aside time on a regular basis (once a day, twice a week, whatever works for you) to spend with G-d. Whether that's formal prayer, or more of a free-form conversation, or meditating, or whatever it might be -- maybe just personalizing your relationship with G-d will help you sort out what else you want to be doing. Hugs to you, m'dear.
I agree with Annabel Lee take your time. From what I gather you are at a good start. It's not like your not doing "anything"
I can relate to what you have felt. Growing up I was chastised for being rude or interruptive. I was just very outspoken no tact. I didn't appreciate the criticism and took it hard and just bottled myself up.
I have become a rather reserved adult. I get all my opinions and frustrations out in my art work. I still don’t open up to people easily though and that’s something I’m “trying” to work on.
I think it's really good that you can analyze yourself like this and that you know yourself well.
I hope the rest of your work finds you feeling better.
Tamara,
Your post reminded me why I like blogs so much. Bloggers like you, TG, Amishav and others who speak from the heart and are open about their pain, anguish, fears and struggles makes us all feel connected and part of the normal human condition that is mostly hidden from us in "real" life. We are so used to the facade that people put up that everything is hunky dory and peachy kean, that it is refreshing and REAL to see normal human struggles. It reassures us that we ALL struggle and that our struggles and feelings are shared by so many others.
Your particular struggle reminds me of something I recently posted:
"The passage in Pirkei Avos from Hillel who states, “Who is a wise man, he who learns from all people” it then goes on to explain that its not possession of all the knowledge that makes one wise, rather it’s the seeker, the one who hungers for understanding, who has that insatiable thirst, s/he is the wise person. Because constant seeking and openness ultimately leads to understanding and wisdom."
Its the same with you. Its not the achievements (religiously, spiritually) that is the goal, its the striving and struggling that defines one as a righteous person. Its failing and back sliding and still getting up the next day to try again that is courage, that is what Hashem loves, that is what defines greatness. Because no matter what level you achieve unless you are striving and growing the achievement is not worthy in of itself. Our entire life is a journey of striving - that is the purpose of life.
So someone like you who is concerned and worried and is striving to grow is very much on the right track and will ultimately succeed in her climb, as long as you don't give up.
I wish you much success and strength in your journey. I am also happy to see that based on what you and TG wrote on your perspective blogs, sounds like you guys are working through this hiccup. It would be nice to see love and romance surviving somewhere. ;-) After all it is Valentines Day!
Thanks you guys. Let me say, before I comment to you, that things with TG and I are fine. We fuss like any normal couple, but things are not bad by any means.
Annabel Lee: Thanks for the encouragement. The post wasn't just about my spirituality. I mean, some of the things I want to change are just simply about being a better person, a better teacher, a better friend. Perhaps more motivated and passionate about things. I do appreciate the advice and will heed to some of your ides. Thanks again, miss ya!
Ro: I am far from reserved :) and I for sure share what's going on with me with great ease. I appreciate your kind words about analyzing self because it is for sure one of the hardest things we do.
Passionate Life: Thank you for the compliment in your first paragraph. I try not to put up a facade; though, as a teacher life could be rocky at home and I'm supposed to go and be neutral with my students. That can be so hard. After my mom died, after my cat died, even after my engagement when I was glowing; it's so hard. That isn't a complaint, just an observation.
Thanks for sharing the Pirkei Avot piece. It's something I've wanted to study, even got a great book. Of course, haven't started really seriously. :)
And as far as TG and I go...no worries. Perhaps the two posts weren't related.
Tamara,
my style is `live simplified version of life' don't make things complicated.cheers...
I'll agree with all the previous commentators, and I'll add this bit; change is constant. Aging is changing, and everyone ages. Intellectual growth is change too, so is growing together in a marriage or a relationship. It's not uncommon at all for one person in a relationship to be at a different place than the other, spiritually, emotionally, physically or even materially. You can grow together, and even closer together in many, perhaps even most things, but one will not become the other. You are you, he is he. Together you are 'we', but there's still a she & a he in there.
Everyone wants & desires improvements in their lives. Most of us are perfectly willing to work hard to achieve this. Most of us will also fall short in these desires for betterment, (everyone's so successful we have no need of any diets, right?) etc. Still we strive, not for perfection, but for a better you, a better us, a slightly better world. Who decides these master plans? Who succeeds and who misses or not quite gets there? Who measures, and why? Often, and to our regret, it is us who do these things. Sometimes we have the help of a spouse, friends, our shul, and community. Still and always we need to recall the transient, fragile and incomplete nature of lives here. We may hope to strive for some perfection in the eyes of our beloved, but we may never get there. It is the journey that needs to be admired, the effort, the heart, and yes the fleeting successes. We will all not be successful forever, we can succeed righteously in parts with enough good efforts, understanding and aid when and where we need and can accept it. Just some thoughts. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'
Tamara,
You seem like a really sweet person, and through your "blog personality", it seems you are a caring, observant, introspective woman.
It also seems like you have gone through SO MUCH in the past year. Wow, SO MUCH. Loosing your mother, your cat, becoming engaged, getting through the year as a teacher. Goodness, woman. You have your plate FULL just keeping up with everything that has crossed your path.
Sometimes it seems our lives are about making change happen, and sometimes it feels like life is about accepting the change that comes to us without invitation. You seem to be in the latter stage right now.
To read your post, I guess all I want to wish for you is, go easy on yourself. Perhaps you're just in a place in your life where you are adapting, and adjusting, and trying to cope. Things will calm down soon, and you will feel different.
On that note, Sorry for all the sadness, and congratulations on all the goodness.
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