Growing as a Jew: Accepting and Welcoming Change

There is a lot meandering in my mind these days. I could start with the fact that I am recently engaged or how frustrating all the forms and paper work are for a person who wants to immigrate to the US. I could start with my long list of things to do as TG and I prepare to build a life together or I could focus on all the workshops and classes I am signed up to take the next 3 months because as a new teacher they are ALL mandatory. OY! If only I knew where to start.

Last night, TG and I had a very intense conversation and I think my life in general is changing more than I realize or perhaps am willing to realize because change is scary. 

You see, when TG and I met, I wasn't a reform Jew, nor was I conservative or orthodox. I was simply a Jew trying to be more observant by taking baby steps with my Jewish practices--cultural and spiritual.  I didn't want a label; I still don't want a label.  Why must we put ourselves into a box?  An observant Jew is what I want to be.  WHAT that means for me right now is not fully clear.  I know it means accepting the mitzvot and doing my best to l ive my life accordingly. I realized, for the first time last night, that that scares the shit out of me.  What if I mess up? What if what I do isn't enough? What if I have things I want to do on Shabbos, or family get togethers? What if philosophies aren't in alignment with beliefs I hold? Do I stop eating when I'm at my family's homes? How does one figure all this stuff out? Where is my breaking point? How far can I go? Can my life be very similar to the way it is now and still be more observant?  Does any of what my life is now even matter since I'm about to build a life with a man who is to be my husband?

Today I can't say that I have a label for myself but I can say that my fiance has steered my thinking to the most basics: following mitzvot. I now ask myself how does that work for me, right now?

To start the dialogue within myself I first want to reflect on what I am doing and have done to live my life with more mitzvot in it.

• I keep a kosher kitchen at home
• I eat only fish and vegetarian out which is easy since I am a vegetarian.
• I won't buy anything (intentionally) without a heksher
• For Pesach the last two years I did a full on cleaning of every nook and cranny. I read online, I followed guidelines and my kitchen, I discovered after visiting a MO friend's home, was cleaned and covered up more so than their's.
• I make an effort each Shabbos to have somewhere to go for dinner so that I can be with other Jews. So I can say chamotzi and al netilat. I thought I went for the company and food; but those Friday dinners do mean so much more.
• I do my best to light Shabbos candles each week--even leaving them burning in the kitchen sink as I go have a meal somewhere.
• I stopped checking my bank account, paying bills on Shabbos.
• I've been making an effort to do some sort of Jewish reading on Saturdays.
• I have turned down social get togethers at work because they land on a Friday and I feel sort of bad going when I know it's Shabbos. (this happened a week ago when I was supposed to go to a banquet with people from work.
• A year ago I went to a family get together during Pesach. Most in my family were eating bread and such. Anticipating this, I brought matzah with me. (trust me, this was huge and I know some family probabally thought I was nuts--but that didn't matter)

All in all, in the last few years, I have done a whole lot to become more observant. I have made big changes. Changes that nobody in my immediate family or friend circles understood or supported me directly on. IFriends I've known since 1989 told me that at first they thought I was a bit off. It hasn't been totally strenuous, but it hasn't been easy. If the saying that the things that are good for us don't come easy has any truth, then I know that being more observant of mitzvot is a good thing for me.  Now I just need to overcome some barriers.

One thing about TG that I love and one that makes him a good match for me is that he does push me to be a better person; not out of selfish reasons, but because it's just who he is.  We talked last night about marriage and the kind of home we want to have. I have to say directly to him: I appreciate that you want to make these life decisions as a team. I love that you take my feelings and thoughts and desires into account. I love that you see this as a true and complete partnership and that whatever we decide to do must be done as a team.

I think I'm lucky. I have a man in my life who truly wants to make a home with me that's flowing with love, compromise, and Judaism. Like he said to me last night, I asked G-d for a man who was Jewish and not a "fake" Jew. Not just someone who calls themselves Jewish but doesn't know what that means on a deeper level.  I asked, I received. I just didn't know G-d would send me someone who really truly meant it and was committed to it. :) I also realize that TG wants to do an halachic conversion (as he has discussed in his blog) and that he needs me, as his other half, to be right there with him as he does it.  He will have to pass "the test" and prove himself.  I know how hard that can be and I know that my being by his side will help ease the challenges. I want to be a support and not a hinderance.  In order for me to do that, I too will have to make some changes so that I'm practicing Judaism in a way that is cohesive to his and vice versa. 

So what can I do? What am I able to do? Where do I start? 

• incorporate hand washing prayer regularly when eating bread
• learn what to do in the mornings when I wake up
• learn what to do in the evenings before bed
• remember to kiss my mezuzot regularly (this is something I used to be great at and that helps remind me of commandments)
• go to services at shul at least twice a month (since I rarely go now)
• learn about the requirements of a halachik conversion so that I can support TG

I'm scared. I feel a bit out of my norm. I feel excited by a new life with TG and by all the possibilities for us. The past 3 months have been life altering and I  know that if I can go from dealing with my mother's death to being engaged, I too can find my place within Judaism as an observant Jew, no matter how rough the bumps may be.

To view TG's blog, since I referenced him a gazillion times, you can find him here.