Updates: Relationships and My Life

I thought I should blog because Marty emailed and asked if I was o.k. since my blogging lapsed a bit. Marty, thanks for reminding me.  And fair warning this is longer than I had planned.

First and foremost I'd like to discuss my relationship. TikkunGer has been here for just over 3 weeks now. He (sadly) leaves next Tuesday. Spending a month with him has been revealing in so many ways. I've seen him be a strong supportive man who cares so much for me that I wonder if I even deserve it.  I've seen us work together and through each other's quirks and nuances in order to better handle and respect each other. The time together was supposed to be easy, laid back, and a time to see where our future might lead. Instead though, G-d had different plans. Our time turned into him caring, supporting, and dealing with me in some of my lowest times. Our time turned into a non-stop rollercoaster of mostly filled schedules and little time to  breathe. I don't think I realized that until today for the first time. I know he's been exhausted and stressed and has felt beat down. However, today I think I really realized how our time got sucked away. I was at work talking with a friend and found myself overwhelmed with a myriad of emotions. We have only a week and there was so much we wanted to experience together. I guess life is like that though; we can't really control what happens, we can just deal and manage it to our best ability. Overall, we've managed it quite well.

Speaking of abilities, mine have lapsed in many ways. Eventhough I've been in my own grief and sadness and stress, I haven't done a good job of supporting and caring for what TG has had to go through by being here and being a part of all that has happened. If this trip revealed anything to me, it's that I personally have a lot to do in order to truly feel like I am supporting him and caring for his best interests. I tend to see things 2 minutes too late or once they are pointed out to me. I want him to feel safe with me. To feel secure. To have absolutely no doubts that my intentions and actions, even when not clearly laid out, are for the best for both of us, not just me. 

As you know, my mom passed away on the 18th of October. Since then life has been crazybusyhectic.  Grief is a funny thing. I have good days and bad. Sometimes I have great days with an hour of sadness.  It's hard being on a rollercoaster. It's hard on myself, it's hard on my relationship. All in all I think I'm handling life pretty well and TikkunGer reminds me that he thinks I'm doing great. I should say that he too has handled all this craziness quite well considering our one month together turned into a month of family dealings, funerals, and going non-stop; hardly having time to breathe.  It helps tremendously that he's here. 

Here's the update of what's happened since the funeral...

We stayed in San Diego for two nights for the funeral and post funeral gathering. There's no need to discuss the funeral. It was sad. I cried a ton. I was weak on the inside but managed to be somewhat together on the outside. Having someone with me 24/7 truly helped. I can't even imagine having been alone during this difficult time. I truly believe G-d created a space in which I'd have support during all of this sadness.

TG and I returned to Los Angeles for 2 nights before heading off to northern California to see a friend of his. Before we headed off, my community came together and provided me  with so much love, support, and friendship (old and new) while I did an offical day of shiva. Of course I wasn't partying the other days, but this was the one day where lots of people showed up with food and treats in hand. The rabbi came  to do minchah. It was really amazing and I feel more than blessed that I've created this community for myself.  I say I created it because I've made the effort this past year to be involved and present. This is the first time ever in my life that I truly feel I have a Jewish community and real friends that aren't just strange smiles while in shul. 

We headed up to N. CA. on a Friday. We made it in just over 5 hours which was great. The drive was lovely. The scenery beautiful. I' m sure TG enjoyed it and getting away was good in many ways. We spent some time with the friend we were visiting and we also managed to take a one day detour into San Francisco. It was my first time driving there. It was fun and going down Lombard Street was less exciting than it looked. We drove across the Golden Gate and headed to Marin County.  All in all we took in a TON of the city in a short time. I think both of us really loved our visit to Chinatown. We ended up in a free tea tasting room which was quite interesting and tasty! 

After two nights in N. CA. we were headed to Cambria to simply deflate  for a night which turned into two nights. I'm glad TG encouraged me to take some down time to just relax. I think it's easy for me to go go go, especially when stressed.  The time there was lovely and we both took some which you can see on our Flickr accounts.

My plan was to come back from Cambria and return to work the next day. Instead, because my boyfriend could really see I needed it, I took the whole first week off. I used bereavement time which I have no ill feelings about because if I don't take care of me, it's my students who will lose in the end.

And with that...I'm back at work as of this Monday. It's been tiring and challenging. My mind isn't there. My heart is but I feel like I'm winging certain things and that I'm not fully prepared. However, I've had great support from different people I work with who tell me to take it easy, do my best, and to care for myself. I thank my mentor for that advice because I needed it from a fellow teacher.

 Of course TG and I have done tons of stuff but I didn't want to COMPLETELY bore you. We've had a couple of Shabbat dinners with friends, we went to the Skirball museum, we took a nice little hike...but mostly this trip was the funeral and then our road trip, and learning to be a couple in real life and not just via the phone and internet.