Rosh Hashanah and Something was Missing

The high holidays last year were quite special for me. I had just returned to L.A. after being gone ten years. I was becoming part of a Jewish community in my neighborhood. I was determined to get something spiritual out of the holidays and really worked at being connected. From walking to and from shul, having meals at the rabbi's and simply being present; these things helped me connect more than years past.

This year however was quite different. Overall I just wasn't "there". Something was missing. I didn't do what I had done in years past. Previously, before the holidays, I would re-educate myself by reading my books on Jewish rituals and holidays. Reminding myself of the history and the whys of these days. I guess the disconnect started there. I suppose this is a good ritual I will reinstate before Yom Kippur.

This is what my holidays looked like. First, I drove to San Diego (2+ hours) to have dinner with my brother's family and some of his friends. The Rosh Hashanah dinner was nice; however it didn't have any real spiritual meaning or connection for me. I was talking with TikkunGer about how I see my future should I (G-d willing) have a family someday. I would hope that whomever I marry, that WE create rituals and traditions that help us be grounded and connected to each other and our children. From the time my children are able to express themselves in a somewhat comprehendable way, I'd want us to all reflect on the year. Perhaps simply ask, "What was good about the year?" "What didn't go great?" "What can you do next year to make it better?". Going around the table and sharing reflections and hopes and dreams, I believe, is a special way of connecting and bringing meaning into this day for me. I so look forward to the time when I can create a beautiful Jewish home with somebody special.

Rosh Hashanah morning I drove (yes, I did a ton of driving these holidays) to the Chabad in San Diego to go to services. I know the rabbi and they don't require tickets so it was a good fit. I went to the first two hours of services but left early in order to return to LA in time to make it to evening services in my own community. Leaving really added to the disconnect. Getting on the road, hearing the radio and focusing outwardly (on traffic, on driving safe, etc.) really took away from what Rosh Hashanah could have been for me.

When I got home I didn't get to sit and reflect because my old cat is sick and left me a mess to clean when I got home.

Saturday evening I went to my shul. I was happy to be there. To be with my community and friends, but still, I wasn't fully focused and "there". I had lapses in and out. The silent Amidah is usually good for me because if I'm not focused on the words in the book it's still a special time for G-d and I to connect. After shul about 20 of us headed over to the rabbi's for dinner. Dinner was nice but at this point I was tired. I enjoyed the company at dinner and getting the chance to catch up with some of the people in my shul who I don't always get to see and connect with. Nevertheless, I drove home and had some straightening to still do before bed.

Sunday morning I decided to not wake up super early but to just rest. I arrived to shul around 11 (2 hours late). I was in shul for a couple of hours, heard the shofar and all the Torah readings and such; however, again I was not fully connected. I left right after services to again drive across town for second day RH lunch. That was a nice lunch and I fully enjoyed it.

What have I discovered and learned this year during Rosh Hashanah? I learned that being grounded and mentally prepared to take on a holiday is so important to my own personal and spirtual being. I learned that outside distractions are just that...distractions. Distractions took me away from working and reflecting on myself and my life. Although I snuck in prayers for loved ones, I thanked G-d for my life and the many gifts and joys my life has brought this year; although I had those few fleeting moments, I feel like I missed something. Perhaps there is a bigger message for me here. The saying is that we don't know what we have until it's gone. Perhaps this Yom Kippur will be more powerful than ever being that in my mind will be the thought that I felt like something was lost this Rosh Hashanah and therefore will be focused on focusing and connecting this Yom Kippur.

And let me take the time now, as a start to being connected going into Yom Kippur, to say to all my readers:

If I've done anything this past year that was offensive or mean, harmful or thoughtless, uncaring or harsh; please accept my sincerest request for forgiveness and know that this request is heartfelt and in true sincerity.




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