All I haven't blogged about in the last 4 days.

I feel like I haven't really blogged much lately, though it's only been four days. I have so much I could be blogging about but much of it is not pleasant, leaving the feeling that I've been intentionally not blogging. I think it's a blog world phenomena, when a person has so much going on, is concious that much of it is bloggable, and the person chooses to not blog.

So here I am, the second day of Pesach. Speaking of the second day, I must acknowledge that I am not shomer mitzvot, or I would not be writing today. My spritual growth and awareness is like the leavened bread, much more inflated and full; however, I somehow choose to pretend I live in this flat matzah like state. What does this mean? It means I feel a bit in the middle of my beliefs and my actions. In the middle of what I know, what I don't know. In the middle of ignorance and new found knowledge. In the middle of what I think I might like to do, and what I actually do. Am I rambling? For sure!

I go to a shul with a very chasidic and religious rabbi, chabad actually. However, this is not a Chabad community. The congregation spans from modern orthodox shomer shabbos, to girls wearing jeans to shul for the second seder (yes, tis true). this community is wonderful, amazing actually. It's just a few miles from the most religious part of Los Angeles, but you'd never know it. We're quite eclectic. This is the very first time in my life where I truly feel I have a Jewish community that I can call my own and that I am a part of. A community where I have friends who I can share Shabbos with. A community where I know families and their children. A community that, when in need ,I truly can call on them. I spend a lot of time at the rabbi's home on Shabbos and holidays. When I have questions, or need a prayer for someone, I call my rabbi on his cell. This is new and special and different. And with all this, my conciousness is so much more aware, yet, I don't necessarily practice all that I know. Eeesh, I really really am rambling. I guess I could have just written, I know there are things I shouldn't do halachlically (by Jewish Law), and yet here I am writing today anyway, I drove to both seders, drove to shul, use computers and electricity. And yet (again sort of in the middle), my kitchen is fully kosher. I light on Shabbos and holidays. I am quite aware of many halachic rules about home and what not. My kitchen is like stainless steel this week, in other words, wrapped in tin foil. I really wanted a cup of coffee, but forgot to buy kosher for Passover sugar, so I went without. That is until the rabbi's wife, I can call her my friend, we are about the same age, gave me the sugar I needed :) Tamara, stop rambling--but that is whta my blog is for darn it

OK, the reason I thought I sat down to blog today? To tell you why I haven't wanted to blog.

This week has been with many many ups and downs. First, I've been sick all week. Sore throat, cough, even visited the doctor who said I just have a cold. A cold is the worse diagnosis because there is nothing to be done with it except cough syrup and advil and rest and fluids. The cough sounds horrible and I feel I have to announce a disclaimer when around groups (like the seder last night), that I am not contagious and just sound horrible. **Sidenote, another in the middle thing, I actually discussed with the pharmacist which cough syrup didn't have corn syrup. Being Pesach, and being that I've spent the time and money really doing the Pesach thing, I didn't want to blow it. And so, I bought the diabetic Robitussin DM. YUCK!! No sugar means horrible taste, even more horrible than usual!

On top of being sick. I decided, my choice of course, not join my father and step family for Pesach (they have been my step famly since I was 5, so they are family), I also decided not to join my brother and his family in San Diego for Pesach. My dad understands why. I'm more observant than other's in my family and I wanted a meaningful Pesach. I didn't want the "let's say the plagues, drink for cups, pretend to wash hands, so we can eat" seder.

This month is also hard because my oldest brother's yarzheit (anniversary of death) is at the end of the month. We were close in the short time we had together. He was 32 when he passed, I was 22. My birthday is in a few weeks, 33. It's been eleven years. I can't believe that right now I am the same age as he was when he passed. There is something surreal about that. I can't believe he was so young. I thought he was so much older. I think my family was so critical of him not having his life together as far as career went, but now I realize he was so young. By the way, he died from HIV/AIDS

And to get to the thing that is really hard this month. My mother is in intensive care at the hospital right now. She is on a ventilator. Struggling. She has almost no use of her lungs and has been on oxygen at home for a long time. The doctor doesn't seem to know how long she'll be on the ventilator or in the hospital, though it sounds to me like it will be some weeks. The nurse told me she's at the end stages of this disease. And so, in April, I'm reminded of my brother's passing, and of the inevitable. Next weekend I will be flying to see my mom for a few days. Since she lives a 2.5 hour flight away, it's hard to just see her on a whim. Flights have to be planned. Pet sitters have to be arranged (luckily a girl from shul offered). And of course, the money has to be had to fly. After that Europe trip, I don't have much cash. Luckily, I earned enough frequent flyer miles that I am using them to go see her. I wish I could stay longer but I go back to work May 1st and need to be prepared. Teaching public high school is no easy feat and I know my students need me. Yes, I know my mom needs me too.

And so, this is all I haven't blogged about in the last 4 days.