Sheva Brachos
Tonight I was able to take part in the mitzvah of celebrating a sheva brachos of a girl from the community I live in. I don't know her that well but sharing in the joy of marriage as a community is special. She was glowing, all smiles, so young and so full of wonder. In some ways I think the more observant folks have the right idea of marriage and finding a life partner.
Here I am, about to turn 33, single, rarely date. In the secular world we have so many expectations, checklists, needs, wants, desires; but how much of that is realistic and true? The girl who got married is only 21. I can't even imagine having been married that young. But, she, like many others in her community, was able to find her "match". I'm sure their engagement was not very long, maybe three months. Many people would say, "That's crazy, there's no way you can marry someone in such a short amount of time!". However, it happens all the time and although not every marriage is a match made in heaven, I'm not convinced it's any higher or lower than the traditional secular way of meeting someone. There is something to be said about looking for a person with whom you can share your life, looking for someone who is looking for the same things in life, looking for that person who you can see growing with and getting to know over the years. There is something special about two people looking for the same things: marriage, building that marriage, with the same goals in mind. Tonight a brief story was shared when a woman in the community asked our rabbi how it is that two people could actually marry after only 3 months; that there is no way those two people could know that they want to spend their lives together. The rabbi's response was something like: If you can't tell after 3 months if you have a sense of a person, you won't know them fully in ten years either because we are always growing and learning when we are in a partnership.
And so, I am left with the hope that I too will meet that special someone, and soon! Who knows, maybe I should just call a matchmaker and go for it! Unfortunately, that's just not my style. But don't think it's not a thought I wonder about in curiosity.
posted by Tamara @ 11:27 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Statistically, I think that 'arranged marriages' survive at rates that are very similar to the 'companionate'/Love matches that we are more familiar with in the West. The divorce rates are no higher, and
practitioners will tell you that the love develops more deeply over time. It's not a given, it's a process of discovery from the start, which is often a better way of seeing the entire journey.
It's just a different perspective & model of marriage, and one that was much more common in the past. The gradual move to the companionate marriage model was in process in the West by Shakespeare's time (hence Romeo & Juliet), but really not dominant until the 20th century. We can thank early women's reformers for that. In a way it was definite progress as the process was all too often corrupted by the non marital desires of the parents. More often than not this involved real property disputes, claims & desires. (As in; 'Hey I want that piece of land adjoining mine, old man Reily won't sell it to me, but will give it as a dowery gift for my youngest daughter Martha). Yes, it could (and still does) get that crude still. But as 100's of thousands of immigrant couples still observing the 'old ways' can attest, it still can work tolerably well in this modern world.
In other news on the teaching front there's this good book getting some decent press that you might add to your reading list. [The link is to the 1st Chapter online]:
Annette Lareau
'Unequal Childhoods
Class, Race, and Family Life':
[http://www.ucpress.edu/books/pages/9987/9987.ch01.html]
Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'
Aaron, thank you for that very thoughtful and eloquently expressed post. I COMPLETELY agree with all of your thoughts. I know that marriage is what sustains love (though I've never heard it expressed quite the way you put it). You have a good head on your shoulders. I'm sorry you're going through a breakup. Hang in there, and heed your own advice, never settle :)
Thanks again for reading and commenting!
In the beginning G-d created the heaven, earth and the pre-nup.
Or maybe that's just how it seems.
PS: Nani, I left some bread crumbs behind on the March 10th post here.
Cheers, 'VJ'
It's true that to many the frum way of getting married is odd, and no it's not fool proof fro happy marriages, but what I don't understand is that everyone is criticizing it, yet someone still has yet to come up with a healthier and better alternative.
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