NY 2005 - Day 6 - Homebound Reminisces and Exhausted Deep Ramblings

As I sit here on the plane heading home, I’m reminiscent about this past week. Even though this will have been my 4th trip to NY in the last three years, this trip was very different. My experiences were very much connected with both spiritual and personal growth. In the past couple of years, and even more so in this past year, I’ve gone through many changes both spiritually and in my life in general. As Rosh Hashanah arrives, I must first think of all the blessings that I have to be thankful for. I could list them out here on my blog and spell them out; however, there is truly no need for that. The fact that I feel a light in me, an energy that I’ve not felt before, this alone is an immense amount to be grateful and appreciative of. It’s also something that is challenging and makes me question.

I remember when I was a child I was so proud to be Jewish. I thought I was such a “good” Jew. I felt like I knew so much about my heritage, my culture; but what about my religion? The past eight or so years have revealed to me that I knew almost nothing. At this time of the year, I’m reflecting on the person I am and the person I want to be. There is constant struggle within me to do good, to be a better person. Why should this be a struggle? Because I’m not yet that person. I think I grow little by little in these respects, but I am far from there. One thing this past year has revealed to me is that when I do have actions that are not positive, that are not always courteous of others, I am aware of it fully. And when my consciousness is sharp, it’s then that I think of my faith in the religious sense.

Religion is almost like a new thing to me. Hebrew school, bat mitzvah, Jewish holidays with family, reform summer campl, a lit Shabbos candle now and again, a (silly mistake) tattoo when I was 18 and trying to be my own individual self—this is the Judaism I grew up with. This is all I knew. I went to temple now and again, but I never really “got” it. I felt special being there, it was important to me, but something was always missing. Today, many of those gaps have been filled, and are continuing to become smaller as I learn and grow at my own natural pace, but a prevalent one too.

What would I like to change in the new year? That is such a difficult question to truly sum up. I know that I want to “feel” my prayers in my soul. I don’t want to just say words, I want to discover how I can bring a personal and heartfelt connection to my words. I know that G-d hears me, I know that my soul feels it, but I want to comprehend my feelings (I guess that’s how I can put it). I keep saying I want to find a shul that “fits” me, but truly, I don’t really fit into a box. There are some things I do now that I never did: Shabbos candles, kosher home, learning, asking more questions and allowing myself to be IN a community that I feel welcome. This is Chabad. However, I’m not orthodox and surely not Hassidic. I just know that the feeling at Chabad is of community, openness and warmth. Why is it that the few temples I went to as a child and teen never had these elements? Why is community in the truest sense of the word missing? It’s this lack of community that had me distant from Judaism for a long time.

This new year has so much for me to delve into and explore. I wish each of you a year of health, love, warmth, friendship, support, companionship, friendship, patience, fervor, learning, and love. L’SHANA TOVAH TIKATEIVU