Passover Reflections

I remember Passover growing up. The first thing I remember is that my memories of Pesach with my step mom and dad are more vivid than the one's at my mom's house. However, the food my mom made is much more prevalent in my memories.

Pesach at dad's was big. Big because there were my 3 step sisters, myself and one or two of my three brothers, my step mother's ex husband and his current woman, and maybe a few other random relatives.

I don't remember the seders being particularly long, but my siblings remember them being as such. I do remember my one step sister "C". She hated the seder (no suprise she married a non-Jew and keeps a Jewish home, kids in Hebrew school, and a tree in the house at X-mas). Anyway, she hated the seder and would throw tantrums until she was sent away from the table.

Me? I always loved the seder. It was always my very favorite holiday. I think we did a condensed seder with all the basics covered. One of my greatest joys at those seders were the four questions. Being the youngest, this was the one thing that was MINE. ALL MINE :) and I loved it! I loved to show off that I could read Hebrew. But then one day something happened...

From the age of 13 until I was 18 my father and I had our differences and we did not speak. I don't have memories of the actual seder so clearly, but the ambience at my mom's is clear. I can picture her candles, her copper seder plate, the lace cloths and a beautifully decorated table. Oh, and I remember the drawing of the shankbone I made when we didn't have one. :)

When I was 18, my father and I made amends and sometime after I started going to Pesach there again, but things were different. I was no longer the youngest child. My step sisters now had families and children, as did my brothers eventually. The four questions were no longer mine, and I remember reflecting strongly on that the first couple of Pesachs like this. The seders also seemed to get much more casual and shorter. We still had all the delicacies of Pesach, but the seder was very shortened. Life is funny how things change.

Today I spoke with my father as I shopped at Ralphs and the local Jewish market for Pesach food. My family doesn't know that I am "connected" more than ever to my Judaism. He said it makes him so happy to know that I am keeping kosher for Pesach on some level. As he and I were speaking, something clicked in my mind.

I decided that if I am going to buy matzah and not do bread, I may as well go the whole way as far as food goes. I mean, it's sort of silly to not eat bread but to eat crackers or cereal. So, this year I bought lots of matzah, kosher cheeses, cookies and cakes and other Pesach "stuff". I even bought Pesach noodles. I may not have it mastered yet, but I am feeling so good about things. I think "Sharing" Passover with someone is easier in some ways. Easier to share the tasks, the rituals and the support.It's somehow easier and more meaningful on some level to kasher a home for Pesach with familial support. I live alone and living alone in a small studio does not feel so holiday-like. I do have two seders to go to though, which is good. I'll go to SHabbat dinner on Friday at the Rabbi's house, then I'll do Chabad for the seder first night. Second night seder I'll join my brother and his family and neighbors for a seder. One of my very close friends will join my second night. She has nowhere to go first night but isn't up for a Chabad style seder. I understand.

Between tomorrow and Thursday I'll dust and vacuum very well, my little studio. On Thursday I'll clean my little kitchen, the burners on my stove, inside my toaster oven, and will vacuum out my car (lots of bagel crumbs from breakfast on my way to work). When I'm done, maybe I'll say the little prayer that is said to anull Pesach. I found it on the Chabad website which has a GREAT Passover guide.

All leaven and anything leavened that is in my possession, whether I have seen it or not, whether I have observed it or not, whether I have removed it or not, shall be considered nullified and ownerless as the dust of the earth.

You are now chametz free, physically and spiritually -- and free to fully enjoy the liberating experience of the seder rituals and the eight-day Festival of Freedom.

Things are looking good and I can not lie, I broke into the chocolate covered matzahs early :)