This Journey of Mine

Life has a funny way of throwing curveballs and changes all at one time. The ebbs and flows fill my mind with myriads of miscellany right now.

My teaching job is phenomenal, and I am learning about myself and discovering so much each day. I can't believe how happy I am, how much I smile, how much I am believing in myself and the non-cocky confidence I feel illuminates me. My friends have commented how happy I am, friends from my old job.

Along with this, I seem to be connecting with my spirituality in a different way. I can't quite seem to put it into words, I just know that when the time is right, things are revealed. I am going through one of these phases where I keep "finding" all things Jewish. This week I accidentally happened upon a blog of a young orthodox Jewish woman that I am fascinated with. Her writing is pure, honest and painfully real. The discussions her blog creates are controversial at times and educational.

I have had a sort of connection or maybe a fascination and a certain level of respect for my fellow Jews who are able to maintain an orthodox/observant lifestyle in this modern world. With so many outside forces, it's hard enough just to discover ourselves without the outside influences of media and such. Any person, especially a young person, who can resist the craziness of this culture and embrace their spirituality and culture, well, for me, it's something I admire. Maybe it's something I am a little jealous of.

I was raised in what I know as a traditional Jewish home; but as I learn more and more about my own religion/faith/culture and even my ancestor's way of life, I realize how much I wasn't raised so "Jewish" (as we say). I have this knowledge and insight into Judaism, I have this faith that I speak of, and yet something always seems to be missing. Something consistently seems out of balance.

The balance that is off is my own spiritual side. Not my beliefs or my faith, but the manifestation of it outward. When I say this I mean in simple ways even; like remembering to light my Shabbos candles. I mean, they sit right here, starving to be lit...and it never fails, I remember too late that I didn't light them. I guess one good thing is that I am a vegetarian, and though I eat fish, only stick with kosher style...so all is not lost on this journey of mine. In some ways I feel like I'm wandering aimlessley and othertimes I feel like my path is surely lighted and this journey of mine is just as it should be.